I blame Kevin Bacon.... and other stories.

Yesterday I took the rare opportunity to over indulge with a movie triple header.

First up was Jane Eyre, obviously not my first choice.... or 101st choice, but that's what happens. It actually wasn't as dull as I was anticipating; that Bronte chick was a pretty messed up lady. Near as I could tell the whole thing was a concussed mutton chop laden delusion of the main character as she slipped into a terminal coma. From the abusive childhood, to the Scarlett fever/homosexually charged adolescence the oddities abound. The love interest of the piece Mr. Rochester even keeps his first wife, whom I am pretty sure is a vampire, in his attic. Of course, even Dame Judi Dench makes a sizable appearance as the motherly housekeeper... what makers of period pieces will do when she is gone is beyond me. It's all capped off with Jane reconnecting with Mr. Rochester many years later (after his vampire wife has conveniently offed herself)whom I am pretty sure was played by a blind version of crazy bearded jack from season 5 of Lost.

We have to go baaaaaaaaaaaack!

So I amused myself and chalked up some brownie points with the little woman, so I would call Jane Eyre a win/win.


We then moved on to X-men: First Class. Which co-incidentally also starred Mr. Rochester's Michael Fassbender as a young Magneto.

When this movie was first announced I wasn't expecting much; the wolverine prequel so was wretchedly bad by reputation that I still haven't bothered watching it. But then the early reviews started pouring in and word was that this thing was actually good. And it actually was!

After watching everyone's favorite emaciated hill billy from Winter's Bone, Jennifer Lawrence strut on the red carpet at the Oscars I was very much looking forward to her donning the blue paint to play sexy shapeshifting bad girl Mystique. Sadly, the script gives all the juicy emotional bits to young professor X and magneto's bumpy bromance, so she never gets a real chance to shine. While the pace of the movie was lurching at times, it was an enjoyable experience throughout and did a decent job of presenting the origins of the various characters and giving reasons for their motivations in the X-men trilogy.... except the aforementioned Mystique. Let's face it... living through the holocaust and being a Nazi science experiment is a much better reason to be a heartless asshole than "waa... I am blue and sexy, people look at me funny." Kevin Bacon is the main villain of the piece, He does alright as a nazi scientist but kind of falls flat after that. I am pretty sure he was only cast to fill in some holes in someone's Six Degrees of... repertoire.

After a tasty supper break of spicy turkey sausages, we headed back to the theater once again for the late showing of Super 8. I was unsure about this one, I didn't see how it could live up to the hype it had built for itself via the vast amount of viral marketing, but the pre-release buzz was mostly positive.

An interesting thing with movies is the tag of "Executive Producer"; as a movie layman, near as I can tell this can mean anything from "wrote us a big cheque and we want to attach their name to the movie to boost sales" to "director 1B". From the outside, it is impossible to know the truth, but I am pretty sure Spielberg's involvement as producer on this one was a little closer to the latter. I don't think anyone else could have wrangled so many brilliant child performances. Child actors usually make me cringe, but ol' Stevey has somehow managed to find many gems over the years and its the kids that really make this movie.

That being said, this is definitely a J.J. Abrams film. Complete with the epic suspense-fully perfect build up and the utter gut wrenchingly underwhelming and useless ending. It was like going through the emotional arc of watching Lost in two hours. That's not to say I hated the movie, I just don't think mixing the terror of Alien with the heartwarming cheese of E.T. is a good fit. However; I won't say anymore as I risk ruining the movie at this point.


Overall, it was a good day spent in a dark air conditioned building; the movies were varied and the popcorn was buttery. Just remember to keep your eyes on Kevin Bacon.... I don't trust that dude.

On Lamer Tides...

Well, I managed to hold off my resident Pirates and Disney fanatic from rushing out to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean Movie until cheap Tuesday rolled around, and boy am I glad I did not pay full price for that stinker.

While I am all for this latest 3D craze, I really wish they would stop doing so many the lazy way. I knew going into it that this was supposed to be one of the "bad" 3D films and would have simply watched it in 2D if given the choice, but alas, 3D was the only convenient showtime.

Here's the deal movie producers; 3D glasses necessarily block some of the light coming through to your eye. This means that you should not film 80% of your movie in dimly lit rooms if you want it to be in 3D. Pretty simple.

But enough of beating that dead horse, bad 3D is bad, whatever. The real problem is the movie itself is meandering and nonsensical, with giant plot holes galore. It's not complex and interesting... it's just stupid. The humor is pretty weak as well... there are a couple laughs, but most of the jokes miss the mark.

The one saving grace was the mermaids... or seavampires? (I mean come on... fangs and burning up in the sun? They're totally vampires right?) They were pretty and deadly and made for the single interesting action sequence (minus blowing up the lighthouse for some unexplained reason)

I didn't think it could be any worse than the last one, but it comes pretty close. On the plus side there was a pretty sweet trailer for the muppets movie in front of it.

Real Men Wear Fedoras.

Of all the blogs on all the internet.... you just had to walk into this one....



1947 USA; When cars were made of metal, buildings of brick, and "Broads" knew not to talk back. Yes post WWII America was a cigar smoking, whiskey swilling mans world, and with LA Noire, rockstar games brings that world back.

On the surface this game appears to be "Grand Theft Auto 1947", and I assumed this was the case after Rockstar successfully used the GTA model in the Old West with Red Dead Redemption. Although you do drive around in a living, breathing, faithful recreation of 1940s Los Angeles and complete missions the gameplay here is completely different from any previous Rockstar game... or any game period, for that matter.

Noire owes its unique gameplay style to a new and much heralded technology, "MotionScan" that allows for extremely impressive and realistic facial animation. The technology allows the player to interview NPCs and decide for themselves whether or not they are lying. This Combined with combing crime scenes for clues causes each game mission to be basically played out like a 1940s version of an episode of Law and Order or CSI. (Or, more accurately, for the more aged among you; a classic police drama like Dragnet)

There are car chases and gunplay but this action takes a back seat to the interviewing and clue hunting. I admire Rockstar for going out on a limb and trying something different, but I wonder how this sort of slower paced cerebral gameplay will be seen by the general "Pew pew" Call of Duty loving masses.

The game is not perfect; there are some amusing audio bugs, dialogue popping up in the wrong place and the narrative is a bit bumpy and doesn't always flow properly. The writers don't take full advantage of the "Noire" theme, either. The first couple of missions have a gritty Noire style narration, but this is abandoned for the entirety of the rest of the game. Sadly, the other knock against this game is the re-playability. While I am VERY glad they did not try to tack on some sort of multiplayer, once you finish the story, that's it. You can replay mission to improve your case rating, unlock various vehicles or go on the usual sandbox game obscure hidden item scavenger hunt but none of that is very engaging. On the other hand, DLC might actually work pretty well for this, though, given the episodic and compartmentalized feel of the cases.

In any case, I hope that this game does find some retail success, as it is nice to see something new and different for once. Give it a try, you just might like it.

Still here...

As Brandon so subtly pointed out I have a knack for being lazy: doubly so with writing anything. I love writing but usually tend to hate most things I put to paper. Life has also crazy the past few weeks. Friends have been having babies, ruptured water heaters are deluging my home into firstly a swimming pool, and secondly an isolated hurricane. They set up 4722 fans to help dry the place out. We could not live at home. We stayed with the people with the aforementioned baby… yeah. So when you add the crazy with the lazy you get “Clazy.” If Sarah Palin can make up words by comparing herself to William Shakespeare then I bloody well can too.

Cla-zy [kley-zee] – adj.- Being dumb enough to think you can in any way be considered on the same creative level, or grasp the usage of words, as well as William Shakespeare. EXAMPLE: “Did you get a load of Sarah Palin? Man… Bitch be clazy!”

Fast forward to this week and they are finally laying new floors in my home, but incorrectly so they have had to start over, it is costing more money, I have had to board my cats up in a “Pet hotel,” my wife is sick and has been running a fever, I lost my shoes (They are somewhere in all my packed stuff while the house is being renovated) and a Slurpee machine blew up in my face. So the will to write has been minimal but I want to change that. Enough whining about my life woes. I will now whine about other things.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you Blizzard. Brandon and I have been playing World of Warcraft since beta. We have taken breaks here and there but have been steady customers since launch. Blizzard recently announced “Cross server grouping”... for a fee. The community outcry against charging for what should be a subscription included service has been loud, clear and up until this point... unaddressed. Brandon decided to post on the official forums supporting the community's displeasure. He did so in the proper thread, he did not use profanity, and his argument was arguably pin point accurate. The sum of his post was this.

Since Activision bought Blizzard and claimed they would leave them alone the business practices of the parent company have slowly started to creep into Blizzard games and this move is proof.

For this Brandon got a 72 hour ban which he disputed and received a cold email back standing by their choice to lock him out. They called his post “nonconstructive” when it was very much the opposite. They called into question Brandon's “Forum history,” which is funny as I can count the number of times he has posted anything on one hand. Those few posts he has made before were usually in joke threads.

So screw you Blizzard. If you are going to ban people for stating their honest opinion then I think we might be done with WoW. The desire to play is gone and more than anything this whole affair saddens me. You were once a jewel, an unshakable cornerstone of the gaming world. People could count on Blizzard. Now you are just part of Activision, a company which has openly admitted they want to fleece their customers for all they are worth. So you while you are busy charging people for new features, and charging $175 admission fees to Blizzcon here are a few ideas for you.

1- Make the cool down on hearthstones zero but add a five cent fee every time it is used.

2- If a guild is unable to beat a raid boss add an option for the raid leader to issue a “Defeat boss?” vote. All raid members will then vote yes or no. If the vote passes then everyone in the raid has their credit cards billed one dollar and the boss instantly dies. The raid gets to move forward and you make ten or twenty five bucks! Everyone wins!

3- Now that players can fly pretty much anywhere at max level, once they hit that cap and they decide to use a flight point so they can go piss or get a Coke instead of doing it themselves... yeah... you should charge for that. They are obviously lazy players who are using a game convenience when they could be doing it themselves. Skin'em to the bone Activision.

The worst part of this is that I will still buy Diablo 3. I am sure I will still love it and be excited and lose sleep playing it. However, now there will be some small part of that will feel dirty for doing so.

You've been... THUNDER STRUCK!

Okay, I'll admit it; when I first heard of the plans to create a multiple picture intertwined epic setting the stage for The Avengers I was extremely skeptical. (Even with Joss "squeeeeee" Whedon at the helm of the flagship) The first entry in this endeavor, Ironman 2, that movie itself was passably entertaining, but the Avenger tie ins felt forced and lame. (And don't get me started on Sam Jackson as Nick Fury! Puuuuh-lease.....)

So... queue Thor, the first of the two non-establish franchises that are part of The Avengers saga to debut. In 3D, no less.

Maybe my expectations were exceedingly low, maybe I was just in a good mood. But, simply put, I was blown away. This is the best Marvel movie since Spiderman 2. The visuals are spectacular, the 3D was well done, without being overbearing. The comic relief provides some true laugh out loud moments. And the eye candy for both genders is out in full force.

Not since Viggo as Aragorn have I questioned my sexuality so....

Natalie Portman is gorgeous as always, but the real scene stealer is new comer Kat "Epic Lips" Dennings, whom I recently had the pleasure of discovering in a small indie flick, Daydream Nation, at a local film festival. She hits the geeky hot chick note perfectly.

The comic book spin on Norse mythology is fun and interesting, and the nods to comic book and avengers fans are much less cheesy and brow beating than they were in Ironman.

The only issue I had with an otherwise completely enjoyable popcorn flick was the almost "Twilight-esque" romance arc of Thor and Jane (Portman). Yes, Portman is stunning, but not quite to the level that would make the God of Thunder swoon after a single night of small talk around a fire. (Especially when he has a perfectly good Asgardian woman pining after him) I guess it was necessary plot device for him to make his return, but it felt pretty damn awkward.


In any case, I'm now fully on board for the whole Avengers ride. Captain America's origin is due out at the end of July, and I can't wait.

April Blizzards Bring....

Today is April 14th and it snowed nearly a foot here during the night. To the left is a picture of my deck, complete with my poor BBQ that I optimistically dragged out of storage this past weekend.

I am starting to think that Al Gore guy might be on to something....

And if all that wasn't enough the creepy/amusing people that came up with Google Ads struck again. This morning strung across the top of my inbox was an offer for $50,000 plots of land in Costa Rica. Don't tempt me Google... don't f-ing tempt me.

Night Out

Last night I had the joy and privilege of accompanying my dear Krysta out for dinner and a movie. Sadly, it is currently that gaping black hole of movie releases in between the last season Oscar contenders and the real beginning of the Summer blockbusters. The pickings at the local cineplex were slim, but I checked out rottentomatoes.com to see what might be passable, and to my great suprise I found that Source Code with Jake Gyllenhaal (yes I had to google that spelling.... get a decent stage name before you start acting, yeesh.) was sitting at a tomato rating of 90%. I was shocked at this, because while the concept was cool, I assumed the movie itself would be total crap.


So we went, and it was not bad. Imagine taking Groundhog Day and tossing in some 24 and you'd get a pretty good idea of the movie. It was fairly predictable but still enjoyable for what it was. I'd give you a rating for it, but we still haven't come up with a catchy proprietary rating system.